Playing Pretend
by redskiez
Summary: Deidara-senpai wanted to take a closer look at the kid who got his ass kicked by Sasori. Tobi couldn't refuse, but perhaps he should have.


"You can at least make the journey a little bit more comfortable for us," Tobi says, loud enough to be heard over the desert wind.

Kankuro ignores him. He continues to chat with the Nine-Tails kid. Tobi doesn't bother trying to make out what they're saying. He makes another show of struggling against his restraints and then gives up with another loud complaint.

Deidara kicks him in the knee, making him complain once more, and then he tells him to be quiet.

"You better get us out of this mess, hm," Deidara says.

"Senpai," Tobi says, "I'm just a rookie, so I think you should be the one to get us out of this mess."

"You're the one who got us in this situation!"

"I disagree," Tobi says. "You're the one who said you remember face-paint guy and wanted to take a closer look."

"I did not say that," Deidara hisses.

"Yes, you did," Tobi says. "I remember senpai saying, 'Oh, that's the kid who got Sasori-no-Danna's interest! I wonder what the fuss is about, yeah.'"

"I don't sound like that, hm," Deidara says, finding offense in Tobi's impression of him.

"Yes, you do!" Tobi says, a smile in his voice.

"No, I don't. I don't grunt at the end of my sentences, yeah."

"Yes, you do, you're doing it right now, senpai!"

"No, I don't, hm!"

"You're doing it!" Tobi says. "Come on, senpai. It's nothing embarrassing. I like hearing your little grunts. It adds flair to whatever you're saying so that people can pretend that what you're saying isn't boring at all."

"Why, you—"

"Shut up," Kankuro says. He looms over them, arms crossed and face annoyed.

"Hey, face-paint guy," Tobi says.

"I have a name," Kankuro says.

"And I would have no way of knowing what your name is," Tobi replies. "Anyway, do you recognize my senpai? He says he knows you."

Kankuro spares Deidara only a brief glance and then he shrugs. "Criminal scum," Kankuro says, "all look the same to me."

"You little—"

"That's so flattering!" Tobi says. "I've always wanted to be pretty like my senpai."

Kankuro narrows his eyes at him.

"We'll take it from here," Kakashi says, placing a hand on Kankuro's shoulder.

Kankuro shakes his head, turning to look at Kakashi. "I feel bad," he says. "Sorry to dump an ear-full on you."

"That's quite alright," Kakashi replies. "I've heard a bunch of couple banter in my lifetime and I had to practically raise Naruto and Sasuke. I've learned how to tune people out."

"Couple?!" Deidara sputters.

"Aw," Tobi says, swaying back and forth.

"That is not something to be happy about, you dolt!" Deidara says.

"You shouldn't be so mean to your boyfriend, senpai," Tobi replies.

"Alright, you two," Kakashi says, waving his hand. "Get ready for a trek to Konoha."

"My favorite," Tobi says as Deidara mutters bitter curses to himself.

`55

Obito isn't sure what he was expecting when it came to Konoha's prison arrangements. He has only ever met one person who has experience when it comes to prisons and holding cells. Still, he isn't sure if he should be surprised or disappointed.

Deidara leans against the cell wall, looking way too comfortable for someone who has millions for his head.

"What is senpai thinking about?" Tobi asks.

"Murdering you," Deidara replies, a soft smile on his face. "Mm, the feeling of sinking a kunai into your neck and then the warm spray of blood on my face, yeah."

"Sounds dirty," Tobi replies. "Does senpai have a crush on me?"

"Fuck no," Deidara says, glaring at him. "You're going to ruin my good mood if you keep talking."

"We're dating now, senpai," Tobi says, chipper. "You heard Kakashi."

"Do you know that prick?" Deidara asks. "He took out a chunk of my arm."

"I've seen him around," Tobi muses. "Don't worry, senpai," Tobi says, "If Baka-kashi tries to take your arm again, I'll stop him. That's what boyfriends do!"

"I'm going to give you another chance to shut the hell up, hm."

"Be nice to me, senpai," Tobi says, "or I won't kiss you goodnight!"

"What did I just say?"

Tobi cowers at the sight of Deidara's face. "You said- you said not to talk anymore."

A guard approaches their cell, an eyebrow raised. He doesn't comment on what he overheard, only knocking on the bars until his presence is acknowledged.

"The Hokage wants to see you," the guard says.

"Can't wait, hm," Deidara grunts out. Tobi notices him trying his bonds again.

"Try not to be all over your boyfriend when you're in her presence," he adds.

"What?"

"Just keep your pants on," the guard says. "We don't like a show from people like you."

"That is very rude!" Tobi says. "We are living in a progressive time. People can love whoever they want to love. Senpai and I are in a very loving relationship and we are not going to let you and your prejudices get in-between our love!"

"Tobi," Deidara says.

"Yes, darling?"

"Would it kill you to be quiet for two seconds, yeah?"

"Two seconds of me not telling the world how beautiful your blue eyes are? Yes."

"Whatever, freaks," the guard says.

"If you're locking us up because of our love, then you are discriminating us! That is not allowed!" Tobi says.

"You're wanted missing-nins working for a criminal organization the Akatsuki," the guard says. "You're locked up because you've committed crimes, not because you like to stick your dick in blondie over here."

"Alright, this is—"

"Only I get to call my senpai 'blondie!'" Tobi exclaims. "This is an outrage!"

"No one is allo—"

"I don't care," the guard says. "Keep your mouth shut and wait for the Lady Hokage to question you."

"Then are we free to go?" Tobi asks.

"No," the guard says, looking very much like he's talking to a four-year-old. "You're going to the Strict Correctional Facility."

Tobi hums. The guard leaves before he can say anything else.

Deidara stares at him from the corner, scowling.

"What is it, senpai?" Tobi asks.

"You know what," Deidara says. "Stop telling people we're together."

"Why not?" Tobi asks. "It's fun."

"It is not fun. You're going to ruin my image, yeah."

"What image?"

Deidara presses his lips into a thin line. "If these chakra restraints weren't on me right now, you would have approximately five seconds to live, hm."

"Good thing you love me and don't want me dead," Tobi says. "And also the chakra restraints. Those are a contributing factor too," he adds when Deidara glares at him.

Deidara ignores him after that. He turns around and faces the corner of the cell. Tobi huffs and rests against his side of the holding cell, staring up at the ceiling and finding meaningless patterns on the cracked paint.

Three sets of footsteps echo down the hall and Tobi doesn't need to look up to know that it must be the Lady Hokage and her guards. He waits until she approaches the cell before tilting his head back down.

"Akatsuki," Tsunade says. She doesn't wait for the two of them to respond before she starts speaking again. "You are being found guilty for committing numerous crimes, what do you plead?"

Tobi glances at Deidara. Deidara doesn't move from his corner.

"If we do community service," Tobi says, "would that give us time off?"

Tsunade stares at him and then glances at Deidara. "We can make sure you're in the same cell as your boyfriend," she says as an afterthought.

Deidara bristles. Tobi barks out a laugh and shakes his head. "Sure," he says, ignoring the way Deidara continues to bristle at the conversation. "Make sure we're a little further from the rest of the criminals," he adds, "Don't want anyone complaining about the noise."

Tsunade doesn't look impressed. Still, she shrugs and says, "Sure."

Deidara grunts. "That sounds great," Tobi says before Deidara can speak up. "Can't wait to repay my crimes against society."

Tsunade clicks her tongue and then leaves. Her guards follow her.

"Senpai, we get to be in the same cell together!"

"Great," Deidara says, unimpressed. "What the hell do you think you're doing, you moron, yeah? You're not supposed to get chummy with the people who are literally out for our heads."

"Our heads are rather expensive, you know," Tobi muses. He stands from his position and walks over to Deidara, kneeling beside him and resting a gloved hand on his shoulder. He ignores the way Deidara flinches against his touch, leaning forward to the point where the distance between them is too small to be comfortable.

Deidara sneers but he doesn't move away. Perhaps that says something, perhaps it doesn't. Either way, Obito leans close enough to make sure Deidara isn't paying attention to anything else other than their proximity.

"We'd be gone even by the time they can come escort us to the facility," Tobi says. "They might know a lot about you and your abilities, but I remain a mystery."

"What can you do, Tobi, yeah? No offense, but you're a useless piece of shit."

"No offense taken," Tobi says and then he reaches for the wall beside them. He finds the draft and uses his right hand to punch a hole through the wall.

Deidara stares at the wall. He narrows his eyes at the dark tunnel that lies behind it.

"No offense taken," Tobi repeats with a grin. He pats Deidara's shoulder. He clears some of the rocks out of the way. He climbs through the hole and then turns back, waiting for Deidara.

Deidara makes a "tsk" sound and moves to follow him. Before he can get through the hole, however, Tobi presses a finger against Deidara's lips, making him grunt.

"Only boyfriends are allowed through here," Tobi says.

"You do one good thing," Deidara says, "and then you ruin it by opening your mouth, hm."

"Tobi's love interest only," Tobi says, standing in Deidara's way.

"For the love of— Fine, fine," Deidara says. He throws a glance at the hallway and then looks back at Tobi. "We're boyfriends," he whispers.

"What?"

"You heard me, hm."

"Sorry, I missed it. I think I'm a little bit hard of hearing."

"Tobi, you son of a bitch," Deidara says. "You heard what I said, now get a move on before we lose our heads, hm."

"Sorry, senpai," Tobi says. "I can't let you pass unless you really show that we're in love." He sing-songs the last word and Deidara shushes him.

"You're lucky you know this path," Deidara says before leaning forward and planting a kiss on Tobi's mask, where his mouth is supposed to be. "There, are you happy now?" he asks, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

"Yes," Tobi says and then moves out of the way.

When they emerge from the other end of the tunnel, covered in dust and bugs and spider-webs, Deidara turns to Tobi, watching him brush the dirt off his hair and cloak.

"How did you know about the tunnel, yeah?" Deidara asks.

"That's a secret, senpai," Tobi says.

Deidara purses his lips, flicking a bit of dust off Tobi's shoulder. "Boyfriends don't keep secrets from each other," he says.

Tobi takes a deep breath and then regrets playing along with Kankuro after all.

* * *

Hey guys, Red here!

This is beta'd by frozenCinders.

batmanlovergirl said:  
Hey for the fanfiction trope thing, 16 and 63 would be amazing and hilarious  
(Prison AU + Everybody Knows/Mistaken for Couple)

This is a super old prompt and I do apologize for the wait! I keep starting new ideas. I was recently scrolling through my notes and I realized that I had way too many prompts piled up so I'm going to blast through them! Sorry for taking too, again.

This is dedicated to batmanlovergirl on Tumblr. Thanks for submitting the prompt!

This particular prompt is taken from the Fanfiction Trope Mash-Up List.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed reading it and if you did (or didn't), please remember to leave a review telling me why (or why not)!

If you haven't already, you should follow me on Tumblr (redskiez dot net). I post updates, drawings, and cats on there. I will also answer any and all asks, so if you have any questions or requests, you can send them to me through Tumblr! My inbox is always open.

Did you know that I have a ko-fi? You can go to ko-fi dot com slash redskiez to buy me a coffee!


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